According to Yahoo!, couples fight about money more than children and chores.
In our marriage, money conflicts have come in seasons.
In some seasons, we are on one accord working towards financial goals. In other seasons, we find ourselves at financial odds.
Through eight years of marriage, we have learned and grown from most of these seasons (still working through some of them).
As a result, here are a few lessons we have learned from our good and bad financial seasons –
1. Assign financial roles.
Marriage requires teamwork. On a team, each member plays a specific role required to complete the task.
A few years ago, my husband and I realized that, when it came to finances, we were not working as a team. After repetitive arguments over financial decisions, my husband and I agreed that he will be the CEO and I will be the CFO.
As CFO, I manage our savings and track our financial goals. At the end of the month, after analyzing our budget to actual expenses, I provide a monthly Statement of Net Worth to my husband. Together, we use that statement to evaluate our short-term and long-goals and discuss our financial position. Ultimately, although we both contributed to the thought process, he makes the final decision.
These clearly defined goals have helped us both see the value we each bring to the table. We now know our place in our financial plan and operate accordingly.
2. Schedule time to discuss money.
After spending time with other couples over the years, I have learned that most couples fall in one of two categories – they either discuss money too often or they do not discuss money often enough.
Couples who discuss money too often might struggle to deal with other parts of their marriage that need attention.
Couples who do not discuss money enough might struggle with missed financial opportunities.
No matter which side of the spectrum you fall, you and your spouse should set aside a specific time to discuss money.
Since my husband and I tend to fall into the spectrum of discussing finances too often, we allocated the end of the month for financial discussions. After I send him our monthly Statement of Net Worth, we discuss any line item that needs attention.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we definitely discuss money more than once a month. In fact, when looking for a home, it was a daily conversation. And, when planning for our kids, we talked about money constantly.
The purpose of setting aside that time is not to prevent us from discussing money as needed, the purpose is to give it a proper place on our priority list. I have found more freedom to discuss current events, memes and other topic with my husband throughout the month knowing that our financial discussion will happen at its allotted time.
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3. Be open about past financial trauma.
On one end, it is great to have someone with a relatable financial past. On the other hand, certain financial habits can be triggering.
For instance, in addition to his 9-5 job, my husband has his own eBay store. He started the store before we were married and still keeps the books separate from our personal finances (as every business owner should).
In the early years, I would have to wait until tax season to know if his business was in the black or the red.
As someone who grew up with a father who secretly mismanaged our finances, not knowing the ongoings of my husband’s business triggered me. I found myself building up resentment and even questioning my husband’s financial integrity.
Only after multiple arguments, prayer, and journaling did I recognize that I was allowing the baggage from my childhood to impact my perception of my husband.
We discussed my concerns and came up with the following solutions to resolve –
- He would disclose any information to me about his business when asked.
- We would take regular walks to discuss any issues on my mind.
- My husband would develop a more formal bookkeeping system to help me better understand his business.
While it was wrong for me to put my father’s mistakes on my husband, he also recognized he could do a better job of keeping me informed about his business.
Working through my financial trauma is an ongoing process, however, the key is to actively work through it and not set it aside to fester.
4. Stay educated on key financial concepts.
For us, this show has been transformational.
Although my career requires me to stay educated on tax and other financial topics, watching a personal finance channel with my husband has helped unite our financial mindset.
From investing, to side hustle ideas to planning our children’s future, this show has provided a space for us to learn together and make financial decisions accordingly.
Financial literacy is essential to planning and securing a strong financial future. Both spouses should consistently work together to stay financially literate.
5. Capitalize on different financial perspectives.
I went into our marriage aiming for financial stability. My husband went in aiming for financial freedom.
These different perspectives exposed our different priorities.
While I prioritized saving money and managing expenses, my husband prioritized growing his money and managing investments.
Initially, this caused conflict because, while I was living within a strict budget and reaching certain savings goals, my husband was pouring funds into his eBay business.
To resolve, we kept our checking accounts separate and unified our savings accounts. This allowed me to use my income to manage our savings goals, and it gave him the freedom to invest in his business.
Today, we are now on the journey towards financial freedom together. And thankfully, we have savings and sinking funds in place to prepare for any unexpected events during our journey.
6. Establish financial goals that are rooted in faith.
For us, that greater purpose is to honor God.
We understand that we are stewards of God’s resources, and do our best to manage His resources accordingly.
For instance, every time one of us receives a raise, we increase our tithes and giving. Neither of us has to question the decision to give because we know that God wants us to take care of the Church and those in need.
If you want to learn more about how to honor God with your money, check out 10 Biblical Principles to Help You Manage Money Well.
7. Include children in conversations about money
Since our kids are young, we have only had a few opportunities to implement this lesson.
As our kids get older, we plan to –
- include them in our budget process,
- watch educational resources about personal finances as a family,
- memorize scriptures about financial stewardship,
- teach them about entrepreneurship through my husband’s eBay business
- and even let them pick out their own UTMA account investments.
Studies show that families often lose wealth after the third generation. Our goal is to change this trajectory by educating our children on finances. Ideally, they will do the same for their children and their grandchildren.
8. Budget for Fun Activities
Some couples have no problem with spending money on good times.
Those of us who get to choose who we marry often developed a friendship before or during the dating period. It is so important to keep the marital friendship strong by having fun!
For some couples, this means going to a concert a few times a years.
For others, it could be as simple and affordable as a spring picnic in the park.
Whatever it is, make it happen.
In addition, budget for fun activities away from each other as well.
Trust me, when that honeymoon period fades away, that time apart is essential. You will need that time to maintain strong friendships outside of the marriage and to focus on your individual growth.
Whether it’s a girls trip, a basketball game with the guys, a solo spa day, or any other activity that brings you joy – put it in the budget.
Conclusion
Finding harmony in marriage and money is an ongoing battle. For some, it’s a small battle. For others, it’s a civil war.
In spite of our battles over the years, we have managed to grow my husband’s eBay store into a five-figure business, pay off my student loans, purchase three cars with cash, increase our net worth to six-figures and accomplish several other financial goals.
Although we are still growing with many more goals to reach, the lessons we have learned along the way have been life-changing.
Hopefully, these lessons will help you keep financial battles small and financial wins big.
We are rooting for you.
This material has been prepared for informational purposes only, and is not intended to provide, and should not be relied on for, tax, legal or accounting advice. This information is not endorsed by eBay. You should consult your own tax, legal and accounting advisers before engaging in any transaction.